What’s the deal with J-Lo and P. Diddy?
You don’t go around calling me J-Mac,
do you…or do you?
What should we do to Osama bin Laden?
What’s your feeling on replacing
the NFL refs with super-intelligent badgers?
Answer: In today’s political climate?–
I don’t think so!
Ever been mauled by a bear?
Quick–what’s your favorite color?
How did you manage to elude us for so
long, baby squirrel?
Answer: subterfuge and nuts
What kinds of thoughts do the words “thought
provoking” provoke in you?
Is the customer really always right?
Answer: Yes, unless they try to pass an
expired raincheck and then threaten you.
What’s your feeling on word problems?
Answer: Damn them!
If I give you a 5-gallon jug and a 3-gallon jug,
and then tell you that you need to get four gallons
of water in the 5-gallon jug or a bomb will go off,
compounded by the fact that you are being attacked
by mutant squirrels, will you be able to accomplish
your goal? (oh yes, also, you’re in the Badlands
Answer: If they are black squirrels, NO!
If they are run-of-the-mill squirrels, NO!
There’s a woodchuck in my backyard…?
Would you watch a television program
entitled “When Jimmies Attack!”?
(and I refer to those jimmies you buy in the
baking section of the grocery store, they’re kind of like
Answer: I would probably watch it for a week or
but I would imagine they would run out of fun things to do
with Jimmies attacking…although, now that I
think about it, the possibilities are endless! HAH! I shall
rule the planet by harnessing the power of
Is Ed McMahon truly “lord of his manor?”
Answer: I don’t even know what that means.
Does it bother anyone else that President Bush
only been to Europe on one occasion–and that this occasion
was LAST WEEK?
Answer: Not as much as the fact that a small
can put together a complete sentence with more ease than
What would the result be if one combined the DNA
Einstein with the recombinant DNA of a lemming?
Answer: nothing unless you decided to grow the
in a top secret cloning facility in Uruguay (who would suspect
a top secret cloning facility there? it’s the perfect location!)
How many rabid badgers does it take to screw in a
Answer: seven (7) to run around in non-concentric
and bite you and one (1) very intelligent–but rabid
nonetheless–badger to go grab a stepladder
out of the garage and then screw in the bulb
I like stereo speakers, do you?
Who is the world’s foremost banjo player?
Answer: Cletus McShanty
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Who (or what) killed Evan Chan?
You damn dirty apes!
Answer: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!
How long was Teddy Roosevelt’s pegleg?
Answer: about 1.5 feet
(yes, I know it’s weak, but I’m tired)
You see dat sumbitch on tha weather channel?
What are Butler’s chances of winning the
Let’s play the pyramid:
Best Picture…they cry all night…
Answer: chocolate babies (or chocolate
What is the national bird of Dijibouti?
Answer: the blue jay
I forgot–it was something about billiards.
Answer: there is no answer, just like life!!
Submit your choice for a new name for this site.
Answer: www.fischer.com (how original!)
Who will win the Super Bowl?
Vikings Giants Ravens
Get a new bike!
Answer: Turd Ferguson
Who did you vote for in the Presidential
no, Ralph Wiggum is not an acceptable answer)
Answer: Ralph Nader (at least, you should have)
What brand of pencil sharpener do I own?
Conan, what is best in life?
Answer: To crush your enemies, to see them driven
you; and to hear the lamentations of the women.
What is the Latin phrase for ‘arrogant bastard’?
Answer: I don’t know, how about “e pluribus unum?”
What does one drink out of?
Answer: a leather glove
Uh, who let the dogs out?
Answer: I told you–Jimmy Carter
Who let the dogs out? (hint: it wasn’t Mike
Answer: Jimmy Carter in 1978