Question of the Week™

Question Answer
What do you think of the new site?
What would cause you to hop onboard a DC-9 airplane if the almighty Xenu offered to pilot you to Crazytown?
It would have to be one of those all-nude flights.
What’s your New Year’s resolution for 2008?
To grow a Burt Reynolds Mustache.

I was also sent the following link, which reveals an earthshaking truth about our friend, Ross Madden: he’s a bald, 58-year old man who wears ugly shirts. A single tear rolls down my cheek.

If you could solve all the world’s ills with a single invention, what would that invention be?
Satellite of Love

Despite “None.” being the most popular answer (I’m guessing it came from those blasted spambots), I had to go with Jocko Johnson’s answer this week. “J.P. Losman” was my original first choice, but that answer was benched after it was discovered to be loaded with spyware advertising shag carpeting.

What kind of bear is best?
the ass.
In 10,000 words or less, please describe what took place on Monday Night Football…okay?
In the year 1987, NASA launched the last of America’s deep space probes. Aboard this compact starship a lone astronaut, Captain William “Buck” Rogers, was to experience cosmic forces beyond all comprehension. In a freak mishap, his life-support systems were frozen by temperatures beyond imagination. Ranger III was blown out of its plan trajectory into an orbit 1,000 times more vast, an orbit which was to return Buck Rogers to earth 500 years later. No, the Buffalo Bills have still not won a superbowl.
Bridges: miraculous civilization-advancing technology or insidious masterminds behind a global anti-water conspiracy?
Bridges: Really really old news that forces the reader a month or two later to try and remember back when that bridge collapsed and killed those people an d dredge up old memories like 9/11 or the tsunami in Sri Lanka or Hurricane Katrina and ask ourselves why do I keep checking back on Fischer’s page it’s not like he’s going to get around to changing the question at this point.

It’s about time! I couldn’t change the question until someone answered this one correctly. Well done!

Come up with a title for this video.

Uh, I mean, come up with a title for this video??

As much as I liked “diet pill slimage,” this week’s winner is:

Maury Povich: Roland….you ARE the father!
Audience: Aw damn! Aw yeh!
Large Hick Woman: Damn right!

What’s your problem, Kazanski?
You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.
If you found a magic lamp and received three wishes from Shaquille O’Neal, but you screwed up the first two wishes by asking for all you can eat ribs and a sweet bike, what would your third and final wish be?
What you mean “screwed up the first two wishes by asking for all you can eat ribs and a sweet bike,” Foo? Don’t give none that jibber jabber! You still got one wish left! You got ribs! You got a bike! Ask that suckah for a sweet van! I pity the foo who can’t figure that out!

Answers involving Billy Joel songs and Chuck Norris action figures were all a close second this week, as I just couldn’t disappoint Mr. T.

Good health and world peace finished tied for last place.

And the enigmatic JayMan made a long-awaited reappearance with an answer deserving its own URL.

Where did Tyra Banks come from?
She is the result of government cross-breeding experiments between cheetahs and hillbillies gone terribly wrong.
What’s your favorite Billy Dee movie?
I was surprised to discover Billy Dee had starred in so many porn films. I see now the porn enthusiast demographic my site is reaching. Creeps.
What can we do about global warming?
forget about global warming, we need to stop Old Navy from releasing those horrible ads!
What’s #1 on your Top Ten Worst Things Ever list?
the trick diaper
Due to the unrelenting rage and frustration expressed in last week’s responses, I ask you: How often should this site have a new Question of the Weekâ„¢?
every time pearl jam tours the south

Sounds good; stay tuned for our next QotW in 2028!

I tried six different iterations of a question involving Nancy Pelosi and her newfound role as Speaker of the House, most of which involved the words “preening” and “hag.” In the interests of offending no one and staying politically correct: your thoughts on Nancy Pelosi?
She blinks once for every 100 citizens she pisses off.
What’d you get for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus?
Mo’ Money starring Damon Wayans

I appreciated the “Poopy Pants” entry for its comedic value, but come on, there’s no way you got that for Christmas. Stores ran out of those months ago and soccer moms everywhere are fighting to the death for every one that’s been sighted.

What’s the best news headline you’ve ever read??
“Local youths suspected in taco theft”
If you had possession of the Pick of Destiny, what lyrics would you put to your tasty grooves?
Hi, May I ask you have a look at Obadiah Shoher’s book and blog, Samson Blinded: A Machiavellian Perspective on the Middle East Conflict? Google banned our website from its advertising program for “unacceptable content,” and Amazon deleted all reviews. The book, however, is only honest, and the measures suggested are only rational. Shoher is a pen name for veteran politician. He dealt with antiterrorism issues for most of his career. The Samson Blinded dissects honestly the problems accumulated since the Jews returned to Palestine. Advocating political rationalism, it deplores both Jewish and Muslim myths, and argues for efficiency and separating politics from moralism. Please download the book from Being banned by Google, we depend on links to bring Shoher’s message. May I ask you to link to us? Sure, we’ll be glad to link back. Thank you in advance, Anne White.

Damn, those spambots have talent!

What’s your Halloween costume this year?
a winning j.p. losman :/

And what exactly does that look like?

If you could have nachos with any historical figure, living or dead, who would it be and why?
winston churchill and—this

Squirrel bridges have nothing to do with nachos but you won nonetheless because of it. I think Churchill would be an incredible bore over a bowl of nachos. He seems more like a celery sticks and pork grease kind of guy.

What is the greatest invention of all time?
Frank's Red Hot
What two teams will be playing in the Super Bowl come next February?
Cannonball Run II
What’s your favorite hangover cure?
What is your ideal vacation?
Camden, NJ
What will Tom Cruise’s next outrageous act be?
He will marry a witch

and then build a bridge out of her!

What do you think of the rumored design for the new Buffalo Sabres uniforms?
What is your fondest childhood memory?
I was convinced that Santa Claus was the first man ever to swim the English Channel.
What is your mutant ability?
Lots of good answers for this one, but here are the highlights:
I have the ability to release a gaseous emanation from my posterior area which can melt through titanium-carbon allow walls and disable the evil squirrel-boy.
Giant Funk Magnet
Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?!


I can’t go back, I fear the whore squirrels that inhabit the island.

Editor: I’d like to know more about these “whore squirrels.”

How do you like the Sabres’ chances in the NHL playoffs?
Editor: responses ranged from “Not good” to “Chuck Norris” to “pearl jam life wasted,” none of which win this week.
I’m taking the week off. Submit future questions for the QOTW. If your question is picked, you’ll win a lifetime supply of jack shit!
I think regardless of who wins – all jack shit should be delivered to Daniel Moskowitz
What’s your all-time favorite April Fool’s joke?
Editor: Jebus, there are some disturbed MFers coming to this site. No publishable answers this week, for the sake of all that is good and holy.
What’s your favorite Chuck Norris fact? Better yet, come up with one of your own.
Chuck Norris doesn’t poop normal poop, he poops flaming squirrels.
If I knocked on your door wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, would you:

A) Shriek like a girl and run screaming into the night?
B) Try to kick me in the nuts?
C) Utter some lame attempt at a quote from V for Vendetta, like “remember, remember dogs and cats like to eat each other in November?”
D) Stare at me like a retard?

Editor: any future answers that contain the phrase “smearing my naked body in motor oil” will be deleted. Thank you for your cooperation.
Would you pay $11.50 to see a 2-hour documentary on the daily routines of squirrels?
ill pay you $11.50/hour to git r done. that includes whatever need bein done of course.

Editor: anytime I’m offered money, that’s gonna be a winning entry.

You’re a writer for Saturday Night Live. What’s your best idea for a sketch?
Well, after a long night of grifting at the local old folks home, I stumbled home only to notice one of the neighborhood squirrels scamper off with a book of matches in its mouth. While this alone should have had me on the phone with the animal catcher, I instead began daydreaming about how the squirrel would most likely light itself on fire in any attempt at shenanigans.

Editor: crappy answers this week, so I pulled this gem from a comment to an old blog post of mine. Just pretend the “I” is Will Ferrell.

Didn’t you think I’d come up with a better first Question of the Week after all this time?
screw you hambone

Editor: Not really an answer, but brilliant nonetheless.

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