I came. I saw. I ate XLVIII pounds of nachos.

The year? 2014. The place? The Bischer Estate in picturesque Kenmore, NY. The event? I just finished the Lego Star Wars video game on XBox 360. The consequence? My fiancée is shooting daggers at me with her eyes and may or may not be brandishing a knife. Time for a change in plan? Yes. Welcome to the XLVIII edition of my annual Super Bowl running diary.

I am legally obligated to credit the format to Bill Simmons, Esq. of Grantland.com, a site you should all frequent daily.

sb48
We start, as always, with this year’s official Super Bowl logo. The generification (I’m maintaining that’s a word) of the logo several years back has my nostalgic side yearning for the colorful, in-your-face logos of Super Bowls past. Woe.

10:47am – I have just confirmed that my fiancée has procured a 12-pack of classic Miller Lites. I may just conclude the running diary here and call it a day.

miller timezzzz

12:12pm – My fiancée (gratuitous use of the term “fiancée” brought to you by PepsiCo™) is currently watching some morning show on Food Network featuring her true love Geoffrey Zakarian. I am non-plussed by their discussion of all things polenta. SOMEONE SEND HELP

12:14pm – “We should try this.” -Jeff Fischer, on empanadas.

12:40pm – Melanie just assaulted me with her engagement ring. A sign of things to come? In other news, why isn’t there football on my TV right now?

4:09pm – The 12-hour pregame show is now taken its rightful place on the television. FOX host Curt Menefee toes the NFL’s line on concussions and post-career health benefits, stating the just-published statistics on the number of concussions suffered by players this season (at an apparent all-time low). Cue time portal to the future where half of today’s players are drooling and suffering the effects of early-onset dementia.

4:35pm – Bill O’Reilly drilling the President on healthcare.gov. As someone that is all too familiar with IT incident management, I enjoy hearing non-IT people try to talk about technology. Fun fact: the Internet is made of tubes.

4:50pm – I wish they’d show the highlight of Michael Strahan’s record-breaking “sack” of Brett Favre, in which Brett gently lays down on the ground and allows Mr. Subway to lightly graze his buttocks. In better news, ANDRE FINALLY GOT IN! WOOOOO! 83!

4:52pm – Pearl Jam’s backing of this segment on Seahawks owner Paul Allen has me re-thinking my support of the Broncos. #SwallowedWhole

4:53pm – And now Audioslave for Pete Carroll? Peyton, if your upcoming segments are supported by the strains of John Denver or Toby Keith, I will have to publicly denounce you.

4:55pm – Jimmy Johnson and his hair helmet still give me douche chills. Is Andre available to fire a football at his head? “HOW ‘BOUT THEM HAIR PRODUCTS?!!”

4:58pm – Fox’s promo of their interview with the Broncos head coach, “What Does John Fox Say?” had me chuckling before I suddenly stopped, looked around the room to find it empty, and hung my head in shame.

5:00pm – Trailer for upcoming Kevin Costner flick, “Draft Day.” This was intially slated to be focused on the Buffalo Bills but they pulled a switcheroo and now feature the Cleveland Browns. Judging by this trailer, I’m OK with that decision. #DancesWithCrap

Wait, what?

5:02pm – Jay Glazer, fresh off snorting a few lines of coke, joins us for his interview of Broncos coach John Fox. My guess is Glazer’s had several heart attacks over the years but has been able to overcome thanks to a disciplined regimen of exercise, diet and copious amounts of illegal narcotics and performance enhancers. “Subway: Eat Fresh!” (Quaaludes)

5:06pm – I think Jimmy Johnson may have just intimated it’s admirable to work such insane hours that you have a heart attack or two.

5:08pm – “AHAHAHAHAHA; NON-SENSICAL LAUGHTER! AHAHAHAHAHAH!”

The five hosts on Fox’s show—Curt Menefee, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, Michael Strahan and Jimmy Johnson—had a combined laughing time of two minutes, 22 seconds. That’s about 11.6% of the 20 minutes, 27 seconds they were shown on set together. Mr. Bradshaw was easily the laughing leader, going for about 92.4 seconds—including 2.5 seconds at the start of the show before anyone said anything. [Wall Street Journal]

5:10pm – JACK BAUER SIGHTING!!! STEVE SOROKA JUST WET HIS PANTS AND I AM SIMULTANEOUSLY JOYOUS AND IN AGONY AT THE PROSPECT OF ANOTHER RIP-ROARING/HORRENDOUS SEASON OF “24” ON FOX!

Can someone explain to me why companies are required to refer to the Superbowl as the “Big Game” whenever it’s referenced in ads or contests?

FYI: Based on the menu plan for tonight in the Bischer household, there is likely to be a “Big Game” in the bathroom later.

5:15pm – This techno music they have backing Erin Andrews’ interview with Seahawks CB Richard Sherman must mean FOX is “hip” with the “kidz.”

5:17pm – Classic Can of Miller Lite #1 has just been delivered to me. Pretzelz and mustardz soon to follow.

5:19pm – For Melanie:

5:34pm – Terry Bradshaw sure is a goofball but you can’t help but find him endearing.

5:38pm – Melanie just graced me with her rendition of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “I Like Big Butts.”

5:44pm – Conan O’Brien, Rob Riggle, Joe Namath and a wooden Chuck Norris introducing the FOX pregame crew’s picks for the game! It’s the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

5:49pm – I won’t see the movie, but I fully approve of their use of tweets from average people.

5:49pm – L’Oreal’s “Volume Filler” commercial is all too appropriate in capping off the previous four hours of questionable television.

5:51pm – We lost our dog Buddy several years back but I’m happy to see him resurrected as Joe Namath’s fur coat.

5:52pm – I half-expect Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly to finish off this recital of the Declaration of Independence with “NO-BAMA!” #FairandBalanced

5:54pm – Andrew Luck: the NFL’s first Amish quarterback. Somewhere in a cave, Ryan Fitzpatrick tends to his beard in envy.

beardz

6:01pm – I was just distracted from football by an urgent delivery that just arrived courtesy of Melanie’s friend Erin. T-minus 19 days. #I’mAChild

6:11pm – This is the most energetic lip synching I’ve ever seen done by a group of teenage girls wearing giant, white puffy coats.

6:12pm – CAPTAIN AMERICA GEEKBOY EXCITEMENT

6:15pm – Beer #2 is in progress. I am slipping in my old age. I’d have 5 down in the “old days.”

6:17pm – If I could grow a mullet like Snake Plissken, I would. Kurt Russell needs to be in more movies.

6:19pm – I would like for that Broncos horse to take a crap all over the field. Just me?

6:20pm – I would like for head referee Terry McAulay to take a crap all over the field. Definitely just me.

6:23pm – That was great. Bravo, Renee Fleming.

6:24pm – Melanie and Erin are convinced the Fox digital graphics “on the field” are real.

6:27pm – Everyone in the room has agreed Prince is a vampire.

6:28pm – FYI, everyone: Erin is rooting for Syracuse.

6:28pm – Joe Namath just tried to kiss Peyton Manning. His fur coat just tried to molest Russell Wilson’s haircut.

6:29pm – “Oh look, somebody took away his lips.” Erin, commenting on freshly-botox’ed Fox report Chris Myers’ lack of lips.

6:33pm – Loud crowd. Wowzers. SAFETY! What a start!!! Some lucky gamblers just made a crapload of money.

6:35pm – Another boneheaded play by Manny Ramirez. Oh wait, it wasn’t THAT Manny?

6:42pm – Looks like a good challenge on the spot by Pete Carroll.

6:45pm – Or not. First commercial break was pretty decent, by the way. Bud Light series of ads has promise and that car commercial was intriguing up until it revealed itself to be a car commercial.

car ad

6:48pm – Did we just see a car commercial use cow group sex as an advertising mechanism for pick-up trucks?

truck ad

6:51pm – Lame penalty call. The Seahawk walked right in front of the Bronco. (I’d like to see their real-world animal namesakes actually do that.)

6:53pm – Seattle fans travel well. This crowd is LOUD.

6:54pm – I miss “Breaking Bad” terribly.

need for speed ad

7:00pm – Great throw. Manning-like.

7:01pm – Nachos have arrived. I may need to go radio-silent for the next 13 minutes.

7:12 – Interception Seattle. I have no doubt the Broncos will adjust and come back.

7:14pm – Great commercial for RadioShack. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever go there again but, uh, great job ad wizards!

radioshack ad

7:16pm – End of first quarter. Congrats to “Wink” and “Tom B” for their Super Bowl squares victories.

7:23pm – Erin and Melanie both prefer Seattle’s colors. “I like the lime color. I find the Broncos orange over-bearing.” Game over, Broncos.

7:24pm – $10 million to advertise your new aluminum bottle, Bud Light?

7:25pm – Shia LeBoeuf’s newfound insanity plus pretty giant robot graphics = excitement for Transformers 4: Crazytime Seizure Robot Excitement Fun Dinobot Show!”

tf4 ad

7:33pm – “Florence” Welker aka “Andre Reed” just caught a pass and, “Oooooohh God something happened!” I could be wrong, but I think Wes Welker just caught a pass for a first down. Throw two girls singing songs from “An American Tale” on top and I’m not sure what’s going on anymore.

7:35pm – “I like the 8’s and the 6’s.” “Oh the orange looks different on that screen!” The world’s first-ever Super Bowl font and color analysis, coming to you courtesy of Erin and Melanie.

7:41pm – WOWZERS. Defense + Ducks = ‘Hawks beatdown.

7:42pm – Too many nachos for Jeff means you aren’t likely to get too many more insightful updates tonight. Or any updates.

7:42pm – So, is Melanie supposed to go out and buy me David Beckham’s underwear?

7:43pm – “I feel like I’m watching the Bills!” spaketh Erin. Truer words have never been spoken.

7:47pm – Big break for Denver recovering the ball on the kickoff fumble. Now’s their chance to get back into this.

7:48pm – This is feeling very much like it’s going to be Buffalo’s fifth Super Bowl loss.

7:50pm – I’m amazed FOX allowed this commercial to air on their network. #FairandXenophobic

7:56pm – Had Terry Crews ripped the heads off the Muppets Imagine Dragons-style, I would’ve approved of this Toyota truck ad. Alas.

8:05pm – SEINFELD! Not great, but good to see them back. The full version is on Seinfeld’s website, where you’ll find much funnier, “real” interviews with other celebs.

8:09pm – Alright, time for the (not) eagerly-awaited halftime show featuring Bruno Mars. Judging by this introductory music, they’re about to conduct a human sacrifice.

8:20pm – Alright, I’m approving this halftime show in full. Well done, Bruno.

8:25pm – Guys, I just gave my entire life savings to Scientology. That’s cool, right?

8:31pm – HOLY COW. So much for halftime adjustments. Not what the Broncos had in mind to start the second half. Harvin takes it to the house. A safety to lead off the game and now this. Game over?

8:49pm – I’m clearly taking a page from the Broncos here and mailing the 2nd half in with these posts.

9:03pm – Someone clearly put a dead horse head in the beds of each and every Bronco last night. #TheHawkfather

9:06pm – Ad of the night. #Dylan #Detroit

9:38pm – I think ReedsJenss just preempted a “24” commercial. #JackBauerWillDestroyYou

9:43pm – #DoubleManningFace

9:48pm – Who let Skeletor carry the Lombardi Trophy?

9:52pm – Moments later, the puppy was trampled by a stampede. #Budweiser

10:49pm – We’re capping the night off by watching a squeaky-voiced Prince throw it down on “New Girl.” I can think of no better way to end this anti-climactic evening of football. Adieu.

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