Not Super so much as “Lacking Wattage” (LOLZ)

I am an old man and can’t stay up past midnight anymore writing; whether that be Lost recaps, diatribes on the lack of monkeys in government, or the annual Super Bowl diary. Rest assured, I will have it up here at some point tomorrow. In the meantime, gather ’round your water coolers and talk about the lack of any standout commercials and the refreshing vanishing act Ray Lewis pulled in the 2nd half. Until tomorrow…

Welcome back, one and all, to the annual tradition that’s going to be heavy on Tweets, bullet points and my patented shorthand and light on insightful commentary, witty repartee and actual football analysis. Expect lots of links to YouTube videos as well. Let’s get started!

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Again, who made the decision to go with these “every year a generic p.o.s.” logos? Like many of football’s current ills, let’s blame commissioner Roger Goodell.

1:46pm – Doing a quick spot check of the pregame shows:

  • CBS: San Diego Chargers highlights from the 1970’s. Check.
  • NBC: Capitals vs. Penguins hockey. Did you not receive the edict, NHL, that all TV programming today must be football-related? Undoubtedly, this is the work of Gary Bettman.
  • FOX: The hit Denzel Washington flick, “Deja Vu” presented in glorious standard definition. Are SD cameras even being manufactured anymore?
  • ABC: Derm Exclusive Skin Care informercial starring Minnie Driver gracefully experiencing the nadir of her career.
  • ESPN: LOUD NOISES! STAMMERING! HAND GESTURES! DITKA IN SUNGLASSES! I THINK HE’S ASLEEP OR HE JUST SUFFERED HEART ATTACK #28!
  • ESPN2: First Take with Stephen A. Smi—OH GOD NOOOOOO
  • ESPNEWS: Pedro “Barry Bonds locked me in his dungeon for three weeks seven years ago and robbed me of my soul” Gomez interviews a Divison II college coach about something or other related to sports.

1:51pm – I’m going to eat some scrambled eggs and watch some DVR programming.

2:03pm – Puppy Predictors on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last week, wherein five impossibly adorable Golden Retriever puppies pick the winner of the Super Bowl vis a vis two dishes full of dog food. The puppies reluctantly go with the Ravens as all of America squeals with delight.

2:19pm – Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews does his best Micro Machines voiceover guy impression while spewing generic analysis of the big game on the CBS Ritz Crackers Pregame Show. There is a noticeable lack of Ritz Crackers anywhere on the broadcast.

2:20pm – I’ll be copying various tweets I find particularly important and/or hilarious during the game. I start with one that had me uttering, “GOOD LORD” upon loading the image.

2:34pm – Shannon Sharpe’s cutting edge football analysis defies additional commentary so I’ll just present the unabridged transcript from one exchange between Mr. Sharpe and host James Brown as-is

Sharpe: “Habba babbe shampoo shabba bibbidy babooba!”
Brown: (laughs uncontrollably)

2:47pm – Playing video games. Just completed a sweet achievement involving a giant hammer on Halo 4.

2:53pm – GREAT NEWS!

The next couple of hours are spent preparing taco dip and various cheeses before venturing to the Soroka Estate for a wizbang Super Bowl party.

5:35pm – OMGZ

5:43pm – Dan Marino interviews 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, whom I have absolutely no problem declaring is clearly one of Marino’s 47 love children.

5:46pm – One pound and two Miller Lites down, 47 to go.

5:49pm – (Jimmy Kimmel’s) Cousin Sal gives us the decidedly lopsided crowd breakdown in the Superdome:

5:49pm – RAY LEWIS PRAYER CIRCLE! MORE LOUD NOISES! PRAISE JEBUS! EVERYONE TAKE YOUR DEER ANTLER SPRAY! LET’S GO KILL A GUY! WAIT, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!

5:50pm – Agreed, to a point. Ray Lewis would finish his motivational seminar by killing a guy.

5:50pm – Steve and Lindsey’s daughter Ella, unprompted, just brought a bag of Cheetos into the living room. I don’t know Rule 1 about parenting, but I know Steve and Lindsey are Parents of the Year 2013. I’ve also nominated Ella for the Nobel Prize in Science.

5:50pm – Boomer Esiason gives voice to the sentiments of a nation by declaring he is sick and tired of Ray Lewis. Boomer just gained fifteen notches in my “Off-puttingly Arrogant but Relatively Rational Former Quarterback” rankings

5:52pm – The big ticket commercials won’t start ’til after kickoff but I must recognize Wheat Thins for incorporating a ridiculous-looking yeti into their latest commercial. My commercial preferences should be no surprise to you, readers, after seven years of doing these running diaries.

5:54pm – The award-winning journalism continues courtesy of Ritz and CBS.

5:54pm – Pretty sure Jim Harbaugh sleeps 3 hours a day on the couch in his 49er office in California.

5:57pm – Johnny Depp as a crazy indian, the role he was born to play. Call me crazy but “The Lone Ranger” could be halfway decent.

5:57pm – Norm Macdonald has proven to be in Nostradamus’ league when it comes to handicapping golf tournaments, so I pay attention to his tweet:

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1 Comment

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  1. Entertaining as always!

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