7:32pm Star Wars is coming back to the big screen in 3-D. Steve and I will be there with Miller Lites and Cheetos, assuredly, though with the now-constant despair that comes with sending George Lucas even more of our hard-earned money. I hate you, George.
7:35pm One of the compelling (read: exhaustively covered to the point I’d rather splash paint thinner in my eyes) storylines leading up to the game was the health status of Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski (a WNY native, no less). Having injured his ankle in the AFC championship game, it was unclear what impact Tom Brady’s favorite target would have in the game. If he can make a few more catches like the good one he just nabbed, that story can be put to bed. (Yes, actual football analysis.)
7:36pm NBC color analyst Cris Collinsworth can’t help praising Tom Brady and his “luxurious, satiny hair.” Okay, he didn’t say that but you could tell he wanted to.
7:37pm I just assembled…IN MY PANTS! (Old and still-hilarious comedy jokez.)
TWEET @LeeEllenberg (Late Show writer): “Girl at SB party lost interest when I squealed w/delight during Avengers trailer #lateshowwriters #superbowl #diealone”
7:42pm A loud, pro-Giants crowd tries to drown out Brady’s snap counts. I do wonder, however, if that hostile environment is a good thing for the Pats. They thrive on that hostility and typically make such crowds pay for it.
TWEET @HowardStern (he’s on the radio and likes lesbians): “Hypnotized by undercover boss. What time is kick off?”
7:45pm Lindsey just brought out nachos. Everyone in the room just unbuttoned their pants.
7:49pm The Pats make it 10-9 on a vintage New England drive, chewing up clock and bringing the half to a close. The moment is squarely with them.
End of Quarter Score & Temperament Update™
Score: Patriots 10, Giants 9
Melanie’s Mood: Sassy
The next series of tweets documenting the lead-up to the halftime show may not be appropriate for all audiences. You’ve been warned.
TWEET @stephenjames716: “some company should do a commercial telling everyone to go pee…and the game won’t come back on until they’re done. I’d buy their product.”
TWEET @Roy9ner: “Another Super Bowl square win for the kid Hahahahaha 9-0 #luckynumber”
TWEET @Jeff_Fischer: “@Roy9ner Please go tear your ACL.”
TWEET @realjeffreyrosss (comedian): “What’s the spread on Madonna’s vagina? #superbowl”
TWEET @_DanFisher: “The halftime show is delayed because some of Madonna’s vagina flaps are hanging out”
8:01pm PLEASE FALL OFF A BUILDING, JAY LENO.
8:02pm Madonna takes the stage/modern art sculpture. When will the singing start?
8:04pm The ladies are singing along with whatever song Madonna is performing. Steve and I are drinking.
8:06pm WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?
TWEET (I rather enjoyed this one.) @LeBatardShow (Miami Herald columnist and ESPN personality): “Malcolm gladwell on a string!”
TWEET @ozzieguillen (Miami Marlins manager): “Wuaaaaaoooooo Madonna number one ever ever ever”
8:10pm W-H-Y MADONNA?
8:11pm WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?
8:11pm Cee-Lo Green is an Ewok pretending to be a voodoo priest.
8:14pm (INSERT GENERIC POSITIVE STATEMENT HERE)
8:15pm Madonna is on fire / suffocating in a cloud of smoke!