Welcome to The Wayward Cynic’s annual running diary of the great American pasttime’s holiest of holy days: Super Bowl Sunday the 46th! I will cover the game, the commercials, the chips, the dips and the beers, all from the comfort of the Internet.
I miss the old, every-year-a-new-logo format these new logos woefully lack. Woe.
I must, as I always have, give credit to Bill Simmons for this format. Live from the Soroka household in Kenmore, NY, let’s get right into the action. The roster of attendees includes the Soroka family (having recently solidified their depth chart with the addition of 4-month old Ella) and a variety of East Aurora, Buffalo and greater metropolitan area of Western New York friends. There were also two cats. As I take you through the day’s action, I’ll intersperse my trademark, witty commentary with the odd tweet from a celebrity you may or may not recognize. I assume no responsibility for the inherent lack of maturity or abundance of vulgarity contained therein.
2:51pm It’s four hours ’til gametime and we’ve already consumed 48 beers, twelve bloody marys, and eight mimosas. The conversation in the house right now is focused on Madonna’s jacked-up arms and breasts. I can only imagine where the discussion will go from here.
4:52pm Most of the folks at the house were actually there to celebrate Lindsey’s birthday (yes, there are other reasons to celebrate aside from football and beers), and thus the guest list for the actual football portion of the day’s festivities have dwindled rapidly. Rather than sit on the couch in a zombiefied state watching hours 8 and 9 of the pregame show on the networks, we opt instead for the knee-slapping hilarity of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Highlights include old people falling down; people’s pants falling down; dogs making people fall down; and people on ATVs doing donuts and falling down.
6:00pm FOOTBALL TIME! Faith Hill belts out her trademark Sunday Night Football song Super Bowl-style while Steve dances around the living room, yelling about Faith’s shiny, silver pants. Ella looks on in disgust. Or perhaps she filled her diaper. Either way, much to celebrate in the living room.
TWEET @_DanFisher (WGR55 radio host): “Madonna and Faith Hill are complete opposites when it comes to how much I want to masturbate to them”
6:09pm The Giants’ Brandon Deaderick wins “Best Hair of the Night:”
6:10pm Big cheers for the Giants as they take the field; loud boos for the Patriots as they do the same to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train.” You’d have to be crazy to jump on a train conducted by Ozzy Osbourne, amirite? I’m guessing the crowd’s lack of impartiality will give a slight edge to New York. Might be good for a false start or two. Either way, it should go without saying that Tom Brady can suck it.
6:12pm Adrien Brody wins “Douchiest-Looking Goatee of the Night” in a commercial for something I have no recollection of. I am going to wait until you go to sleep and shave your eyebrows off, Mr. Brody.
6:13pm Baby Ella cries loudly during the Pizza Hut rapper’s performance. She is wise beyond her years.
6:15pm A country rendition of America the Beautiful by the judge from NBC’s “The Voice” and his wife. Have they always done this? Ella disapproves. GET TO THE GAME SO I CAN GET TO BED AT A REASONABLE HOUR. (I am old and crotchety.)
6:17pm Kelly Clarkson provides us a simple, straightforward, perfectly wonderful rendition of the National Anthem in two minutes and change. I say, “well done” and “my, what a lovely wig you’re wearing.”
6:10pm Sacha Baron Cohen’s next film, “The Dictator” gets reserved nods of approval from the audience in the living room.
6:23pm My girlfriend Melanie is getting sassy and the rest of us all seem to be slipping into food comas. Might have to cut off the Miller Timez.
6:25pm WHY IS CURTIS MARTIN IN THE HALL OF FAME? Never the best running back in the NFL while he played, a guy who by all accounts is a decent man but isn’t deserving of induction over worthy players like Andre Reed and Cris Carter. ANGRY.
6:25pm Our referee for the evening provides a riveting description of the coin to be used in the toss — we all held our breath as he revealed Lucas Oil Stadium would depict “tails.”
6:25pm No handshakes exchanged between the Pats and Giants after the coin toss. This can only mean they want to score more points than the other team.
6:26pm A transcript of sideline reporter Michele Tafoya’s interview with Giants quarterback Eli Manning: “Aw gee whiz shucks willickers gosh.”
TWEET @GerardMulligan1 (former Late Show w/David Letterman writer: “Start the goddam game! I can’t wait to see The Voice. #SuperBowl”